Hopewell, NJ is a pretty quiet town. That’s why when I got a call last evening from Henry saying the “Railroad Tracks are on fire!” I ran back to the Chocolate Factory to see what was up.

The Chocolate Factory, as you know, is the Oral Fixation HQ. Our current address is 53A Railroad Pl. As in, if there’s a fire on the Railroad tracks, there’s a fire within yards of the Oral Fixation offices!

I rode my bike up to the Hopewell Railroad Station where I saw dozens of emergency vehicles driving around the rarely used tracks, which are only travelled by freight cars.

I couldn’t see any fire, so i rode a bit further down Railroad Place past the Chocolate Factory, which was perfectly safe from any danger, and then I saw it: The forest was a-light with bonfire size flames all the way across the horizon where the banks of the train tracks are laid from East to West.

Fire Engines soon screeched past me. Like out of a silent film, the team of three firemen ran off the truck and snapped the hose onto the fire hydrant in front of me and shouted to other bystanders – “Get out of the way!”. They then proceeded to put the flames out one bush at time all the way down the tracks.

I soon caught up with Henry and Frank (the most recent addition to our Hopewell office) who were sitting on a nearby hill as one might watch fireworks. The understatement of the year, Henry said something like, “Did you see the fire?” Uh, yes. Having safely been doused, we ventured onto the tracks nearby and looked East. As far as the eye could see the brush along the tracks was lit and smoking.

Frank witnessed the whole thing: “I was outside on the phone, and from over the Tomato Factory (a neighboring antique shop) I saw what looked like fireworks travelling over the roof. It was pretty crazy, because the train was loud, as usual, but this time it was shooting sparks all over the place and everything was catching on fire behind it. The train just kept going and all of a sudden everything was on fire.”

My theory was that either the Crypt Keeper or Ozzy Osbourne was riding this Crazy Train that Breathed Fire all the way across the New Jersey landscape apparently without end.

We stayed and watched the efficient Hopewell Volunteer Fire Dept. put out the flames, then went back home to an otherwise typically quiet night. As we left we could here other fire sirens going off to the west as the train set town after town ablaze. (that’s our theory)

I checked the news and heard no mention of the Fire Breathing Train, but like I said, Hopewell’s a quiet town. Though it was the site of the Lindbergh Baby kidnapping in 1932.

While not the crime of the century, the fire was still the most town excitement we’ve had in quite a while.